The Art of Listening

Most people would agree that nothing is more important than family and the love and life shared between these members. Unfortunately, many (myself included) do not have an easy time relating to one’s family.  The love, joy, and bonding doesn’t always come easily or naturally.  The biggest thorn in my side is the realization that so often I just plainly suck at relating to my parents or my siblings.

Okay, so maybe you’re thinking: “What’s the big deal?  You can’t choose your family; you don’t have to like them.”  And maybe there’s some truth in that.  Nonetheless, the fact remains that we all come from a family, and it is this family that formed us into the singular persons we are.   Our parents have given us each life, love, and learning, and still at other times have neglected or misdirected us.  There is always a bittersweet tang to our familial relationships; some have had the privilege of greater sweetness, but more often today one will encounter the misfortune of a bitter brokenness in the family experience.

I begin with this thought, simply to say that I highly value the importance of family relationships.  I think that St. John Paul II had it right when he said:

 

        …[The family’s] final goal, is love: Without love the family is not a community of persons and, in the same way, without love the family cannot live, grow and perfect itself as a community of persons. What I wrote in the encyclical Redemptor Hominis applies primarily and especially within the family as such: “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.” [FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO]

 

Ugh.  It’s so damn attractive.  And true.  Family is everything.  Family is where we learn that we are good and lovable, and how to give of ourselves to others. It is a reflection of God’s own Triune nature and His total self-offering and outpouring love.

But wait.  Those are the good families.  What about those of us who have some screwed up or absent families?

Well that’s me.   Kinda.  I actually have a really great and loving family.  My parents taught me an incredible amount, raised me to be a man of faith and high principles.  They sacrificed and continue to give untold amounts to me.  Oh, and my mom and dad have stayed faithful to each other forever.  That’s incredible.  I realize that much of my discontent is simply derived from my lack of gratitude for the amazing family I have. 

So why am I still discontent?  It’s because of a magnet.  Yeah, you know those stupid refrigerator magnets whose origins remain a perennial mystery?  Well one has this quaint little quote which says: “The first rule of love is to listen.”

Cute.

But then I thought more about it, and it’s stuck in my head.  I truly believe this magnet has got it.  The first step of love is to listen, and listening is truly a lost art today.

Think about it.  Since the Enlightenment era, society has placed an enormous emphasis on freedom and equality, but today this has evolved to an extreme worship of absolute autonomy.  Man believes he is his own island, his own god, the arbiter of all truth, and fullness of wisdom.  Man today is narcissistic and full of himself.  This means that man has lost the value in listening.  And if he does not listen, man quickly loses his ability to connect and receive another person fully into his life.

Back to the family.

Recently I have realized that so much of the pain derived from my failed family relationships is had from a lack of listening.  At the risk of sounding egoistic, arrogant, and narcissistic, I will say that I feel much pain from those in my family who do not know how to listen to me.  Arguments and disputes cannot be resolved unless both parties are open in listening to the other.

Nothing shows greater respect to an individual than listening.  Listening shows that you care about the other’s thoughts, needs, and subjective experience.  Listening shows humility.

And best of all, listening is so often the preventative cure for a suffering and or dying relationship.   And this doesn’t just apply to family-this applies to every single human encounter: familial, friendship, business, or the random stranger.

But listening is not easy; it requires an enormous amount of patience.  In today’s hedonist culture, one must be extremely intentional in cultivating and restoring this dying art.  Listening requires that you deny your first impulse to defend your ego and become open to the possibility that you do not know, understand, or do everything perfectly.  Listening requires a willingness to become vulnerable, something we never enjoy.

But listening is worth it, because listening is indeed the first rule of love.  And as our recent beloved pope reminds us, “Man cannot live without love…”

An Insignificant Tribute to Tolkien

I have just finished reading The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien.  This is my first reading of the work as an adult (I read it twice as a child.), and I must say that it was a journey well worth the undertaking.  I am sure that this post will add nothing to the utmost respect and merited fame which Tolkien already possesses in our time.  However, for myself, I wish to put down a few words of tribute for this modern author of genius, and to bestow upon him some small honor in gratitude for his epic work.

But enough with the hero-worship.  Why has Tolkien gathered such praise and cult-like adoration for his work of The Lord of the Rings?  If you are asking this question, it is most likely because you have not read the books for yourself.  I would have a difficult time relating to or understanding someone who cannot appreciate this fantasy masterpiece.  The Lord of the Rings is not so much a classic for its fantastic and imaginative world of elves, dwarves, hobbits, and orcs, but rather for its impeccable ability to strike at the core of man’s soul and inspire it to magnanimity.  Since you can read any number of books already dedicated to the subject of Tolkien and his works, let me simply reduce my commentary to a few concise bullet points which highlight why the Tolkien-cult may be well founded.

1. Tolkien is a brilliant author and poet.  

Really.  You will have a difficult time falling in love with books like The Hunger Games or Twilight after reading Tolkien.  His way of crafting literature is comparable to the formation of music by a master like Bach.   One may dislike Bach or Tolkien, but no one could legitimately criticize either for being a poor artist.  Tolkien’s vivid descriptions of Middle Earth capture the imagination of the reader in an unparalleled manner.  Tolkien, the philologist and philosopher, shows his mastery both of language and his understanding of the human experience through his graceful and fluent ability to manipulate, excite, and capture our imaginations in his writing.  He did, after all, create an entirely new language (Elvish) as the foundation for his novel.  I am truly embarrassed by attempting to write anything at all after reading his work.

2.  Tolkien is down to earth. 

Tolkien is hard not to love with his simple down-to-earth manner of writing.  His books possess a great amount of profundity and deep philosophical and theological allegory, and yet he never fails to integrate a simple and humble quality which preserves a welcome element of realism.  He strikes a perfect balance between intellectual loftiness and earthy humor.  One way Tolkien achieves this is through utilizing the comical, short, insignificant yet relateable hobbit creatures as the central protagonists of his tale.

3.  Tolkien artfully exposes the most fundamental drama and plight of man.  

Tolkien’s work is not simply about a magical ring, elves and bad guys.  The Lord of the Rings is ultimately not about a dark lord or ring at all.  The work subtly exposes the struggle man faces in his encounter with the world, the flesh, and the devil.   Ultimately,Tolkien’s world is about man’s plight for redemption and salvation.  And yet, Tolkien does not use the obvious allegories that his friend, C.S. Lewis, employed in his Chronicles of Narnia.  While the latter author unabashedly paralleled Bible stories in his fantasy works (e.g. Aslan as an allegory for Christ), Tolkien is much more subtle in his integration of philosophical and theological themes.  Tolkien’s works inspire both Christians and non-Christians in a way that may greatly surpass Lewis’ fiction.  Tolkien uses a more “classical” style, more reminiscent to the ancient pagan epics of Homer rather than to the modern Christian Milton.  But Tolkien’s work is nonetheless orthodox in its adherence to Christian philosophy.  The character of Gollum does not directly parallel any person in the Scriptures, but Gollum does uncannily incarnate any one who is suffering from addiction or subject to the powerful grip of vice.  The ring most definitely embodies the very essence of evil and sin, something which is truly alluring yet ultimately poisonous, deadly, and enslaving.

Finally, the proof of The Lord of the Rings’ greatness is ultimately only found in the personal encounter one has when entering into the mystery of Middle Earth.  I find that reading this classic dissipates my usual dry cynicism and depression.  It awakens and inflames in me a transcendent spirit of courage, nobility, and wonder.  I feel a longing to take up a sword or bow and fight in the defense of Middle Earth.  Then I remember that such a war really does exist in this life and that I must respond to its happening.  The fight that Gollum and Frodo have in resisting the lure of of the One Ring is really the same struggle I have in resisting the passions of my own flesh and addictions.  There is also found the exterior war.  Just as the evil Sauron poured out his forces to crush the civilized world of Gondor, so too I experience the ever darkening culture around me which promotes the destruction of life, family, and “common sense” principles.  I feel a renewed call to reject my apathy and to fight in the defense of life, family, and freedom.

Such is my phenomenological defense of Tolkien as a masterful author.  He has the singular ability to work his way into my mind, heart, and soul and to draw from these the highest of aspirations.

But c’mon…You want me to spoil all of this awesomeness?  Stop reading my stream of consciousness and pick up The Lord of the Rings; I dare you to enter onto this quest for yourself and to see where this journey may lead you.

Can We Just be Friends?

 

One of the most controversial topics among young adults today is the idea of friendship.  What is friendship?  Can platonic friendships exist between members of the opposite sex?  You’ve probably seen the hit YouTube video, “Why Men and Women Can’t be Friends.”  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.

Immediately apparent among the man’s survey of young men and women is the fact that men and women each have different understandings, expectations, and intentions in a relationship.  He hits at a key element when considering the question of friendship: equality.  Can men and women be friends when they don’t share an equal vision?  Aristotle filled two chapters in his Nichomachean Ethics to discuss the topic of friendship.  His underlying premise is that true friendship must be a relationship of equality.  This equality does not mean “sameness,” but it does entail that there must be an equalness in what each  individual is seeking.  For friendship to really exist, there must be an equal desire or vision and concurrently a common pursuit between these friends in fulfilling this shared aim.

Think about professional or business relationships.  When I buy a coffee at the local coffee shop, I am supporting the business and thereby assisting the workers and owner in their means of providing a living for themselves.  The business also gives me something I desire: coffee.   Am I now friends with all the coffee house workers?  No.  I do not call my relationship with the coffee shop employees friendship.   We do not have an equal vision.  I am seeking coffee while they are seeking a living; we have two distinct ends we are pursuing.  It so happens that we can each attain our individual ends through the business transactions had in a coffee house, but this does not entail actual friendship.  However, when I find out that the barista is a Red Sox fan, suddenly I encounter a shared vision, and thus, the potential for friendship.

Think of friendship as two persons walking down the same path with a common destination.  Of course, there are times we only share a temporary commute, persons whose paths will cross with ours for only a short way.  Such temporary friendships are often had between co-workers, fellow classmates, or neighbors.  We may not share much else in common with such persons besides our jobs, academic pursuits, or living arrangements, but we might still label such relationships “friendships” (at least for some time), precisely because there is a shared and equal pursuit.

However, some of us are blessed with friendships which delve deeper and will endure longer, perhaps eternally.  These are persons who share something more profound than external or environmental factors.  These are people with whom we share a common vision for how we encounter and respond to life itself.  To establish such a deeper friendship, one must encounter another who shares something more personal.  Shared religious or philosophical beliefs, sense of humor, family background, ambitions, and moral principles become the core elements to such friendships.

So can men and women be friends?  Even as a man, I will initially propose “yes,” but I think it is something rather exceptional or extraordinary.  The fundamental obstacle to male/female friendship lies in our sexual differences.  Men and women are each “wired” with different ways of thinking, reacting, and concurrent values and desires.  As such, it is often difficult, if not impossible, to establish a real shared vision.  As the above video quickly points out, men frequently choose to invest in female relationships because these have at least some romantic potential.  Women seem very often content with a man who will be less “complicated” than a woman, and therefore a preferred companion in whom they can confide, yet without any romantic interest.  Such a conflict in interests between men and women has led our culture to propose that every woman seems to want a “gay best friend.”  Such an idea implicitly states that (heterosexual) men will never be satisfied in mere friendships with women, and it shows that women sometimes simply want a man in whom they can share life, apart from the complications a sexual commitment brings.

Yet here is where our culture has ignored the fact that some visions are indeed had between men and women which are more profound, yet do not involve any sexual motive.  Certainly a brother and sister share many personal qualities in common, and yet do not have any romantic intentions (besides the occasional Luke and Leia accident).  But notice that such relationships must always be clearly understood between both parties.  When it is not a family relationship, there must exist an absolutely clear and transparent understanding concerning the nature of the relationship.  Both the man and woman must absolutely understand (i.e. it has been in some way explicitly stated) two fundamental points:

1.  There is not any romantic interest or potential in the relationship.

and

2.  There is still some common (though non-romantic) vision/pursuit which is had between both parties that can be equally shared/enjoyed.

 

Without an explicitly and unequivocally understood vision between both the man and the woman, there will inevitably arise an ambiguity which will render the friendship void or at best unstable.

Think about your friendships with the opposite sex.  How often do you find this absence of ambiguity and clarity in your shared visions?  I think it is extremely uncommon, and for this reason, I believe that men and women cannot usually be friends.  That being said, if you are blessed with genuine platonic friendships among members of the opposite sex, you have attained something incalculably valuable and worth every effort in preserving.

How I Killed A Child’s Confidence

The mother of one of my students recently told me that her son has been going through a period of shaken confidence, or what many would call “low self-esteem.”  This is, of course, understandable.  I happen to know that Joshua has witnessed his father struggle and die from cancer only a few years ago.  I also happen to know that his mother soon re-married and had another son, Lucas.  This boy is now about 2 years old, but his father is now also gone–divorced or separated.  Josh’s mom is dating another guy now who seems to genuinely care about helping Josh and his siblings as Mom works to provide for them.  But, I get it; Josh has a lot to be upset about, a lot of things which could shake and destroy any kid’s confidence.  I don’t think one would be surprised if a such a child experienced a great deal of anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, grief, and confusion after such family trauma.

Oh, but wait…

Josh’s mom says that his shaken confidence or low self-esteem stems from…(drum-roll)…his poor grades.  And guess who gave him those grades?

Yep, yours truly.  Crap.

Well, the following is all I can say in response for the terrible crime I have committed:

Lacking confidence or self-esteem is a terrible thing. But let’s be honest–Josh’s lack of confidence does not come from his poor grades.  Let’s think about the word “confidence” for a second.  Confidence is related to a couple of Latin words: “Con” (with) and “Fide” (Faith).  Confidence, then, literally means “having faith.”

But in what do we place our faith?  People place their faith in many things, including Santa Claus, the stock market, the government, God, and most often themselves.  However, as soon as we find we have placed our faith in something that is not real, dependable, or trustworthy, our faith falters and many times collapses.  Faith can only live well and flourish when it is first rooted in reason.  This doesn’t mean that you must have indisputable proof or assurance in whatever you believe; of course, we are still talking about faith, which is believing in something not wholly seen.  But faith must always begin with reason.

I had a reason for my faith in the tooth fairy.  First, a trustworthy authority figure told me that such a being existed.  Secondly, when I followed the instructions of said authority figure and placed my lost tooth under my pillow, I awoke the next day to find a gift in place of this tooth.  I reasonably concluded that surely there must be some magical fairy that vied after children’s teeth and would pay them dearly in gum and dollar bills.  Of course, I never witnessed any such fairy, but I had faith, a faith that rested on reason. This faith was sustained almost to my last baby tooth…Until one tragic day, I actually awoke to my mother stealing my tooth and concurrently any last bit of faith I once had in magical fairies.

As soon as the foundation of reason had crumbled, the beautiful tower of faith collapsed.  And so it is with our confidence.  Our confidence must rest upon a foundation of reason, or it will inevitably shake and fall.  A real and healthy confidence in one’s self can only come from being rooted in reality.

This foundation of reason which produces confidence begins with the simple realization and assurance of knowing that I am good.  If I am loved, then I must be good (for only good things are lovable), and if I am good then I can have confidence that this goodness can produce something even greater: it can beget more goodness.  Our first view of ourselves is through the eyes of our parents. If we receive love and affirmation for our being from our parents, we start off our lives with a realization that we are loved and therefore good.  Hence, we begin our life with a healthy self-esteem.

But this foundation for confidence must continue through more than a self-awareness of our metaphysical worth.  It must carry forward to our concrete actions.  It’s what I do that molds and defines me, which builds up or detracts from my inherent good of being.  Hence, virtues, which are habits and dispositions for doing good, become the sure foundation for my confidence and self-esteem, while vices, habits and dispositions for doing evil, destroy my sense of self-worth (Although many may still retain a false sense of confidence.).

Now, let’s take these abstract principles and apply them into a concrete example.  Let’s say I’m on the varsity high school basketball team.  To get to that level, I worked hard from an early age to develop my skills in the sport.  I played on elementary and middle school teams, joined rec leagues during off seasons, and I continually played “back-yard basketball” with my dad every summer.  I developed a strong virtue or habit of good basketball practice which resulted in a good performance and in turn allowed me to join the varsity team in high school.  My confidence is souring at this point, but for a good reason.  I have worked hard, and my virtue assures me that I can and will succeed as I proceed forward.

Now, let’s say that I have a change in character.  I no longer practice for long hours.  I start to skip practices.  I begin eating unhealthily and put on weight.  Now the varsity coach is highly displeased with me and says that I am ineligible to play in the season’s games.  I’m furious and heartbroken; my confidence has been shaken and my sense of worth is shattered.

But wait…Was it the coach who took away and destroyed my confidence?  No.  My confidence had always been tied to my virtue or strong work ethic.  When I took that away, of course my confidence would collapse; upon what could it rest?  I can stomp my feet and shake my fist, cry, or file a law suit, but nothing will give me my confidence back as a basketball player expect…imagine this…being a good basketball player.  Only my virtues have the power to build up my confidence and self-esteem.

This is not to disregard the fact that people also have the power to discourage and tear down others.  A basketball coach could destroy the right confidence a good player should have when he unjustly criticizes and puts down the player.  However, in this latter example, the player’s lack of confidence would stem from a wrong understanding or failed realization of his goodness.  In the former, the player’s lack of confidence was a direct result of his lack of good virtue.

Now let’s return to Josh.  Why is Josh’s confidence faltering?  Am I to blame?  I certainly own up to the possibility that I may not have always rightly acknowledged and affirmed Josh’s goodness and potential as a person and student.  Perhaps I have missed many opportunities to build him up, to encourage him, and to guide him.  These are all parts of my job that I do not always do perfectly.  However, let’s examine why I gave him low marks.  The poor grades have come from Josh’s failing to turn in assignments on time or at all.  Assignments that are turned in, are often sloppy, incomplete, or show an evident lack of thought or care.  Hence, the poor grades reflect a poor work ethos or undeveloped virtue and discipline as a student.

If I gave Josh a break and gave him higher grades, would his self-esteem blossom?  I’m afraid it wouldn’t; at best he would forget his insecurities for a while.  His lack of confidence in school is the direct result of having no foundation in actual virtue which would produce a real sense of accomplishment and confidence.  I can’t give that to him; I can only encourage and point him in the right direction.  A shiny sticker or participation trophy doesn’t satisfy our self-esteem issues.  Only actual virtue can build actual confidence.

That being said, one must consider the family trauma this kid has been through.  Losing a father and having numerous other male figures immediately step in and out of the family picture would easily shake a sense of security in a child’s life.  How can Josh sense being loved and affirmed by his parents when his father is not present to love him?  His realization of his own self-worth may never have been appropriately developed in the first place.  Could his mom be neglecting to give him consistent attention at home, to guide him to develop a habit of hard work through accountability?  I believe these are very real possibilities and that Josh’s confidence is bound to flounder until these issues are appropriately addressed and resolved.

Poor grades and other criticisms given to us are too often scapegoated as the cause for our lack of confidence or self-esteem.  Don’t teach your kids or yourself to have a false sense of confidence.  Through knowing that we are loved and building virtue in our lives we have the power to build a solid and lasting confidence which will bring us a genuine peace and joy.  As Christ once said, it is only in the truth that we are set free.

10 Reasons You Must Buy Peter Jackson’s Classic: The Desolation of Smaug

Peter Jackson’s second part of his film adaptation for Tolkien’s beloved children’s classic is about to be released on DVD.  Here are 10 reasons this epic cinematic masterpiece is a must-buy and an instant classic, greatly exceeding even the wit and glory of Tolkien himself.

10.  Finally we see a female warrior portrayed in a film.

Can you decide which one is the she-elf?

Jackson goes beyond Tolkien’s patriarchal confounds, and creates an original female character (Tauriel) that shows a strength equal to her male counterpart.   It is refreshing to find a female who can fully express herself in Tolkien’s male-dominated world.

9.  Finally, a she-elf that isn’t restricted to an exclusive relationship.  

She knows she’s in love with Legolas…

But love knows no boundaries.

Exclusive relationships were so 20th-century.  Jackson boldly shows that our sexual pursuits shouldn’t be limited by number or species.

8.  Classy Penis Jokes.  

Tolkien’s Puritanism is finally purged through the acceptance of subtle genitalia references.

7. Disney-esque Elf Dad.

Thranduil is particularly protective over his daughter, Legolas.

In the spirit of Disney classics, Jackson brings us elf dads (viz. Elrond and Thranduil) who, despite their enormous wisdom and knowledge, are oblivious to what is really important to their children. These fathers must learn the hard way that their children really do know best when it comes to their romantic pursuits.

6. Thorin’s Stick Up The Butt is so large it prominently protrudes out.  

Did we leave anyone behind? Who’s counting anyway?

Thorin’s Stick Up The Butt made its first debut in the first Hobbit film, An Unexpected Journey, as Thorin continually distrusted the hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, despite Bilbo’s sincere efforts and willingness to join a group of unruly dwarves on a perilous, unexpected journey.  Many viewers thought Thorin had forever removed and cast away the Stick Up The Butt by the end of the film when Thorin embraced Bilbo as a brother.  However, the Stick Up The Butt returns and develops in The Desolation of Smaug, as Thorin impulsively leaves behind his sickly brother, Kili, to die in Laketown, while he pursues dragon gold.

5. We find out that Smaug is actually impotent.  

Smaug is foiled again by the 3 foot creatures playing good ol’ Hide and Seek.

Jackson finds a creative way to extend the movie franchise with a 45 minute battle between the dwarves, Bilbo and the formidable dragon, Smaug.  Not to worry though- nobody gets hurt (or burned)…not even our friendly dragon.

4. The union of Pirates of the Caribbean and The Hobbit.  

Will Turner lives on immortally in Jackson’s, The Desolation of Smaug.

Fans were brokenhearted with Will Turner’s dismissal from the Pirates franchise.  Not to worry, Jackson has found a place for this beloved character in Tolkien’s world as the character of Bard from Laketown.  It was also a budget saver, since this is also the same actor that plays Legolas.

3. The real hero of the film is the underdog, Bombur.  

Bombur doesn’t allow his obesity to be an obstacle for heroism.

There is no question of who will win in a fight against Bombur.

Bombur’s weight only gives him greater strength.

Great movies arise from a well done underdog story.  Similar to Christopher Nolan’s theme of Batman’s fight against external evil as well as his own internal demons in The Dark Knight Rises, Bombur strives against all odds to become the real unanticipated hero in The Desolation of Smaug.  

2. Bilbo occasionally makes an appearance in the film, The Hobbit.  

Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit, is the main and often overlooked protagonist in Peter Jackon’s film about dwarves, orcs, elves, and wizards.

One of the most encouraging and exciting parts of this 3-hour film is when you think you’ve caught a small glimpse of the hobbit character, Bilbo Baggins.  Jackson adamantly stuck to naming his film, “The Hobbit,” despite a popular push to name it, “Lots of Dwarves with Difficult Names,” “Sexy Elf Ninja,” or “The Untold Hallucinations of the Hippy Wizard.”

1.  The “Pale Orc” continues to excite fans with its classic cat-chasing-mouse theme.  

Fans anxiously await the epic conclusion of the Pale Orc’s final battle with Thorin.

Perhaps Jackson’s greatest creativity and talent is embodied by the Pale Orc character, Azog The One Handed, who quickly arises as the dominant antagonist in The Hobbit films.  Viewers were refreshingly surprised to find out that the movie wasn’t going to be simply constrained to a long walking trip culminating in a dragon fight.  Instead, they are continually treated with an amazing performance and original take on a cat-chasing-mouse scenario, as the Pale Orc continually catches up, but inevitably fails to capture his nemesis, Thorin.  Fans are puzzled and anxiously await to find out how Jackson will bring about the epic conclusion to this ongoing struggle.

 

There is no question that Peter Jackson’s genius and talent will be remembered and recognized for generations to come.  In all likelihood, Tolkien’s name will be forgotten next to Jackson’s much improved classic film adaptations.  So what are you waiting for?  It’s time to go and purchase this acclaimed masterpiece before it’s sold out!

Do you have more reasons to buy this instant classic?  Share them in the comment box.