Can We Just be Friends?

 

One of the most controversial topics among young adults today is the idea of friendship.  What is friendship?  Can platonic friendships exist between members of the opposite sex?  You’ve probably seen the hit YouTube video, “Why Men and Women Can’t be Friends.”  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.

Immediately apparent among the man’s survey of young men and women is the fact that men and women each have different understandings, expectations, and intentions in a relationship.  He hits at a key element when considering the question of friendship: equality.  Can men and women be friends when they don’t share an equal vision?  Aristotle filled two chapters in his Nichomachean Ethics to discuss the topic of friendship.  His underlying premise is that true friendship must be a relationship of equality.  This equality does not mean “sameness,” but it does entail that there must be an equalness in what each  individual is seeking.  For friendship to really exist, there must be an equal desire or vision and concurrently a common pursuit between these friends in fulfilling this shared aim.

Think about professional or business relationships.  When I buy a coffee at the local coffee shop, I am supporting the business and thereby assisting the workers and owner in their means of providing a living for themselves.  The business also gives me something I desire: coffee.   Am I now friends with all the coffee house workers?  No.  I do not call my relationship with the coffee shop employees friendship.   We do not have an equal vision.  I am seeking coffee while they are seeking a living; we have two distinct ends we are pursuing.  It so happens that we can each attain our individual ends through the business transactions had in a coffee house, but this does not entail actual friendship.  However, when I find out that the barista is a Red Sox fan, suddenly I encounter a shared vision, and thus, the potential for friendship.

Think of friendship as two persons walking down the same path with a common destination.  Of course, there are times we only share a temporary commute, persons whose paths will cross with ours for only a short way.  Such temporary friendships are often had between co-workers, fellow classmates, or neighbors.  We may not share much else in common with such persons besides our jobs, academic pursuits, or living arrangements, but we might still label such relationships “friendships” (at least for some time), precisely because there is a shared and equal pursuit.

However, some of us are blessed with friendships which delve deeper and will endure longer, perhaps eternally.  These are persons who share something more profound than external or environmental factors.  These are people with whom we share a common vision for how we encounter and respond to life itself.  To establish such a deeper friendship, one must encounter another who shares something more personal.  Shared religious or philosophical beliefs, sense of humor, family background, ambitions, and moral principles become the core elements to such friendships.

So can men and women be friends?  Even as a man, I will initially propose “yes,” but I think it is something rather exceptional or extraordinary.  The fundamental obstacle to male/female friendship lies in our sexual differences.  Men and women are each “wired” with different ways of thinking, reacting, and concurrent values and desires.  As such, it is often difficult, if not impossible, to establish a real shared vision.  As the above video quickly points out, men frequently choose to invest in female relationships because these have at least some romantic potential.  Women seem very often content with a man who will be less “complicated” than a woman, and therefore a preferred companion in whom they can confide, yet without any romantic interest.  Such a conflict in interests between men and women has led our culture to propose that every woman seems to want a “gay best friend.”  Such an idea implicitly states that (heterosexual) men will never be satisfied in mere friendships with women, and it shows that women sometimes simply want a man in whom they can share life, apart from the complications a sexual commitment brings.

Yet here is where our culture has ignored the fact that some visions are indeed had between men and women which are more profound, yet do not involve any sexual motive.  Certainly a brother and sister share many personal qualities in common, and yet do not have any romantic intentions (besides the occasional Luke and Leia accident).  But notice that such relationships must always be clearly understood between both parties.  When it is not a family relationship, there must exist an absolutely clear and transparent understanding concerning the nature of the relationship.  Both the man and woman must absolutely understand (i.e. it has been in some way explicitly stated) two fundamental points:

1.  There is not any romantic interest or potential in the relationship.

and

2.  There is still some common (though non-romantic) vision/pursuit which is had between both parties that can be equally shared/enjoyed.

 

Without an explicitly and unequivocally understood vision between both the man and the woman, there will inevitably arise an ambiguity which will render the friendship void or at best unstable.

Think about your friendships with the opposite sex.  How often do you find this absence of ambiguity and clarity in your shared visions?  I think it is extremely uncommon, and for this reason, I believe that men and women cannot usually be friends.  That being said, if you are blessed with genuine platonic friendships among members of the opposite sex, you have attained something incalculably valuable and worth every effort in preserving.

How I Killed A Child’s Confidence

The mother of one of my students recently told me that her son has been going through a period of shaken confidence, or what many would call “low self-esteem.”  This is, of course, understandable.  I happen to know that Joshua has witnessed his father struggle and die from cancer only a few years ago.  I also happen to know that his mother soon re-married and had another son, Lucas.  This boy is now about 2 years old, but his father is now also gone–divorced or separated.  Josh’s mom is dating another guy now who seems to genuinely care about helping Josh and his siblings as Mom works to provide for them.  But, I get it; Josh has a lot to be upset about, a lot of things which could shake and destroy any kid’s confidence.  I don’t think one would be surprised if a such a child experienced a great deal of anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, grief, and confusion after such family trauma.

Oh, but wait…

Josh’s mom says that his shaken confidence or low self-esteem stems from…(drum-roll)…his poor grades.  And guess who gave him those grades?

Yep, yours truly.  Crap.

Well, the following is all I can say in response for the terrible crime I have committed:

Lacking confidence or self-esteem is a terrible thing. But let’s be honest–Josh’s lack of confidence does not come from his poor grades.  Let’s think about the word “confidence” for a second.  Confidence is related to a couple of Latin words: “Con” (with) and “Fide” (Faith).  Confidence, then, literally means “having faith.”

But in what do we place our faith?  People place their faith in many things, including Santa Claus, the stock market, the government, God, and most often themselves.  However, as soon as we find we have placed our faith in something that is not real, dependable, or trustworthy, our faith falters and many times collapses.  Faith can only live well and flourish when it is first rooted in reason.  This doesn’t mean that you must have indisputable proof or assurance in whatever you believe; of course, we are still talking about faith, which is believing in something not wholly seen.  But faith must always begin with reason.

I had a reason for my faith in the tooth fairy.  First, a trustworthy authority figure told me that such a being existed.  Secondly, when I followed the instructions of said authority figure and placed my lost tooth under my pillow, I awoke the next day to find a gift in place of this tooth.  I reasonably concluded that surely there must be some magical fairy that vied after children’s teeth and would pay them dearly in gum and dollar bills.  Of course, I never witnessed any such fairy, but I had faith, a faith that rested on reason. This faith was sustained almost to my last baby tooth…Until one tragic day, I actually awoke to my mother stealing my tooth and concurrently any last bit of faith I once had in magical fairies.

As soon as the foundation of reason had crumbled, the beautiful tower of faith collapsed.  And so it is with our confidence.  Our confidence must rest upon a foundation of reason, or it will inevitably shake and fall.  A real and healthy confidence in one’s self can only come from being rooted in reality.

This foundation of reason which produces confidence begins with the simple realization and assurance of knowing that I am good.  If I am loved, then I must be good (for only good things are lovable), and if I am good then I can have confidence that this goodness can produce something even greater: it can beget more goodness.  Our first view of ourselves is through the eyes of our parents. If we receive love and affirmation for our being from our parents, we start off our lives with a realization that we are loved and therefore good.  Hence, we begin our life with a healthy self-esteem.

But this foundation for confidence must continue through more than a self-awareness of our metaphysical worth.  It must carry forward to our concrete actions.  It’s what I do that molds and defines me, which builds up or detracts from my inherent good of being.  Hence, virtues, which are habits and dispositions for doing good, become the sure foundation for my confidence and self-esteem, while vices, habits and dispositions for doing evil, destroy my sense of self-worth (Although many may still retain a false sense of confidence.).

Now, let’s take these abstract principles and apply them into a concrete example.  Let’s say I’m on the varsity high school basketball team.  To get to that level, I worked hard from an early age to develop my skills in the sport.  I played on elementary and middle school teams, joined rec leagues during off seasons, and I continually played “back-yard basketball” with my dad every summer.  I developed a strong virtue or habit of good basketball practice which resulted in a good performance and in turn allowed me to join the varsity team in high school.  My confidence is souring at this point, but for a good reason.  I have worked hard, and my virtue assures me that I can and will succeed as I proceed forward.

Now, let’s say that I have a change in character.  I no longer practice for long hours.  I start to skip practices.  I begin eating unhealthily and put on weight.  Now the varsity coach is highly displeased with me and says that I am ineligible to play in the season’s games.  I’m furious and heartbroken; my confidence has been shaken and my sense of worth is shattered.

But wait…Was it the coach who took away and destroyed my confidence?  No.  My confidence had always been tied to my virtue or strong work ethic.  When I took that away, of course my confidence would collapse; upon what could it rest?  I can stomp my feet and shake my fist, cry, or file a law suit, but nothing will give me my confidence back as a basketball player expect…imagine this…being a good basketball player.  Only my virtues have the power to build up my confidence and self-esteem.

This is not to disregard the fact that people also have the power to discourage and tear down others.  A basketball coach could destroy the right confidence a good player should have when he unjustly criticizes and puts down the player.  However, in this latter example, the player’s lack of confidence would stem from a wrong understanding or failed realization of his goodness.  In the former, the player’s lack of confidence was a direct result of his lack of good virtue.

Now let’s return to Josh.  Why is Josh’s confidence faltering?  Am I to blame?  I certainly own up to the possibility that I may not have always rightly acknowledged and affirmed Josh’s goodness and potential as a person and student.  Perhaps I have missed many opportunities to build him up, to encourage him, and to guide him.  These are all parts of my job that I do not always do perfectly.  However, let’s examine why I gave him low marks.  The poor grades have come from Josh’s failing to turn in assignments on time or at all.  Assignments that are turned in, are often sloppy, incomplete, or show an evident lack of thought or care.  Hence, the poor grades reflect a poor work ethos or undeveloped virtue and discipline as a student.

If I gave Josh a break and gave him higher grades, would his self-esteem blossom?  I’m afraid it wouldn’t; at best he would forget his insecurities for a while.  His lack of confidence in school is the direct result of having no foundation in actual virtue which would produce a real sense of accomplishment and confidence.  I can’t give that to him; I can only encourage and point him in the right direction.  A shiny sticker or participation trophy doesn’t satisfy our self-esteem issues.  Only actual virtue can build actual confidence.

That being said, one must consider the family trauma this kid has been through.  Losing a father and having numerous other male figures immediately step in and out of the family picture would easily shake a sense of security in a child’s life.  How can Josh sense being loved and affirmed by his parents when his father is not present to love him?  His realization of his own self-worth may never have been appropriately developed in the first place.  Could his mom be neglecting to give him consistent attention at home, to guide him to develop a habit of hard work through accountability?  I believe these are very real possibilities and that Josh’s confidence is bound to flounder until these issues are appropriately addressed and resolved.

Poor grades and other criticisms given to us are too often scapegoated as the cause for our lack of confidence or self-esteem.  Don’t teach your kids or yourself to have a false sense of confidence.  Through knowing that we are loved and building virtue in our lives we have the power to build a solid and lasting confidence which will bring us a genuine peace and joy.  As Christ once said, it is only in the truth that we are set free.