Most people would agree that nothing is more important than family and the love and life shared between these members. Unfortunately, many (myself included) do not have an easy time relating to one’s family. The love, joy, and bonding doesn’t always come easily or naturally. The biggest thorn in my side is the realization that so often I just plainly suck at relating to my parents or my siblings.
Okay, so maybe you’re thinking: “What’s the big deal? You can’t choose your family; you don’t have to like them.” And maybe there’s some truth in that. Nonetheless, the fact remains that we all come from a family, and it is this family that formed us into the singular persons we are. Our parents have given us each life, love, and learning, and still at other times have neglected or misdirected us. There is always a bittersweet tang to our familial relationships; some have had the privilege of greater sweetness, but more often today one will encounter the misfortune of a bitter brokenness in the family experience.
I begin with this thought, simply to say that I highly value the importance of family relationships. I think that St. John Paul II had it right when he said:
…[The family’s] final goal, is love: Without love the family is not a community of persons and, in the same way, without love the family cannot live, grow and perfect itself as a community of persons. What I wrote in the encyclical Redemptor Hominis applies primarily and especially within the family as such: “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.” [FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO]
Ugh. It’s so damn attractive. And true. Family is everything. Family is where we learn that we are good and lovable, and how to give of ourselves to others. It is a reflection of God’s own Triune nature and His total self-offering and outpouring love.
But wait. Those are the good families. What about those of us who have some screwed up or absent families?
Well that’s me. Kinda. I actually have a really great and loving family. My parents taught me an incredible amount, raised me to be a man of faith and high principles. They sacrificed and continue to give untold amounts to me. Oh, and my mom and dad have stayed faithful to each other forever. That’s incredible. I realize that much of my discontent is simply derived from my lack of gratitude for the amazing family I have.
So why am I still discontent? It’s because of a magnet. Yeah, you know those stupid refrigerator magnets whose origins remain a perennial mystery? Well one has this quaint little quote which says: “The first rule of love is to listen.”
Cute.
But then I thought more about it, and it’s stuck in my head. I truly believe this magnet has got it. The first step of love is to listen, and listening is truly a lost art today.
Think about it. Since the Enlightenment era, society has placed an enormous emphasis on freedom and equality, but today this has evolved to an extreme worship of absolute autonomy. Man believes he is his own island, his own god, the arbiter of all truth, and fullness of wisdom. Man today is narcissistic and full of himself. This means that man has lost the value in listening. And if he does not listen, man quickly loses his ability to connect and receive another person fully into his life.
Back to the family.
Recently I have realized that so much of the pain derived from my failed family relationships is had from a lack of listening. At the risk of sounding egoistic, arrogant, and narcissistic, I will say that I feel much pain from those in my family who do not know how to listen to me. Arguments and disputes cannot be resolved unless both parties are open in listening to the other.
Nothing shows greater respect to an individual than listening. Listening shows that you care about the other’s thoughts, needs, and subjective experience. Listening shows humility.
And best of all, listening is so often the preventative cure for a suffering and or dying relationship. And this doesn’t just apply to family-this applies to every single human encounter: familial, friendship, business, or the random stranger.
But listening is not easy; it requires an enormous amount of patience. In today’s hedonist culture, one must be extremely intentional in cultivating and restoring this dying art. Listening requires that you deny your first impulse to defend your ego and become open to the possibility that you do not know, understand, or do everything perfectly. Listening requires a willingness to become vulnerable, something we never enjoy.
But listening is worth it, because listening is indeed the first rule of love. And as our recent beloved pope reminds us, “Man cannot live without love…”
Splinter in My Brother's Eye 