The Art of Listening

Most people would agree that nothing is more important than family and the love and life shared between these members. Unfortunately, many (myself included) do not have an easy time relating to one’s family.  The love, joy, and bonding doesn’t always come easily or naturally.  The biggest thorn in my side is the realization that so often I just plainly suck at relating to my parents or my siblings.

Okay, so maybe you’re thinking: “What’s the big deal?  You can’t choose your family; you don’t have to like them.”  And maybe there’s some truth in that.  Nonetheless, the fact remains that we all come from a family, and it is this family that formed us into the singular persons we are.   Our parents have given us each life, love, and learning, and still at other times have neglected or misdirected us.  There is always a bittersweet tang to our familial relationships; some have had the privilege of greater sweetness, but more often today one will encounter the misfortune of a bitter brokenness in the family experience.

I begin with this thought, simply to say that I highly value the importance of family relationships.  I think that St. John Paul II had it right when he said:

 

        …[The family’s] final goal, is love: Without love the family is not a community of persons and, in the same way, without love the family cannot live, grow and perfect itself as a community of persons. What I wrote in the encyclical Redemptor Hominis applies primarily and especially within the family as such: “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.” [FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO]

 

Ugh.  It’s so damn attractive.  And true.  Family is everything.  Family is where we learn that we are good and lovable, and how to give of ourselves to others. It is a reflection of God’s own Triune nature and His total self-offering and outpouring love.

But wait.  Those are the good families.  What about those of us who have some screwed up or absent families?

Well that’s me.   Kinda.  I actually have a really great and loving family.  My parents taught me an incredible amount, raised me to be a man of faith and high principles.  They sacrificed and continue to give untold amounts to me.  Oh, and my mom and dad have stayed faithful to each other forever.  That’s incredible.  I realize that much of my discontent is simply derived from my lack of gratitude for the amazing family I have. 

So why am I still discontent?  It’s because of a magnet.  Yeah, you know those stupid refrigerator magnets whose origins remain a perennial mystery?  Well one has this quaint little quote which says: “The first rule of love is to listen.”

Cute.

But then I thought more about it, and it’s stuck in my head.  I truly believe this magnet has got it.  The first step of love is to listen, and listening is truly a lost art today.

Think about it.  Since the Enlightenment era, society has placed an enormous emphasis on freedom and equality, but today this has evolved to an extreme worship of absolute autonomy.  Man believes he is his own island, his own god, the arbiter of all truth, and fullness of wisdom.  Man today is narcissistic and full of himself.  This means that man has lost the value in listening.  And if he does not listen, man quickly loses his ability to connect and receive another person fully into his life.

Back to the family.

Recently I have realized that so much of the pain derived from my failed family relationships is had from a lack of listening.  At the risk of sounding egoistic, arrogant, and narcissistic, I will say that I feel much pain from those in my family who do not know how to listen to me.  Arguments and disputes cannot be resolved unless both parties are open in listening to the other.

Nothing shows greater respect to an individual than listening.  Listening shows that you care about the other’s thoughts, needs, and subjective experience.  Listening shows humility.

And best of all, listening is so often the preventative cure for a suffering and or dying relationship.   And this doesn’t just apply to family-this applies to every single human encounter: familial, friendship, business, or the random stranger.

But listening is not easy; it requires an enormous amount of patience.  In today’s hedonist culture, one must be extremely intentional in cultivating and restoring this dying art.  Listening requires that you deny your first impulse to defend your ego and become open to the possibility that you do not know, understand, or do everything perfectly.  Listening requires a willingness to become vulnerable, something we never enjoy.

But listening is worth it, because listening is indeed the first rule of love.  And as our recent beloved pope reminds us, “Man cannot live without love…”

Can We Just be Friends?

 

One of the most controversial topics among young adults today is the idea of friendship.  What is friendship?  Can platonic friendships exist between members of the opposite sex?  You’ve probably seen the hit YouTube video, “Why Men and Women Can’t be Friends.”  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.

Immediately apparent among the man’s survey of young men and women is the fact that men and women each have different understandings, expectations, and intentions in a relationship.  He hits at a key element when considering the question of friendship: equality.  Can men and women be friends when they don’t share an equal vision?  Aristotle filled two chapters in his Nichomachean Ethics to discuss the topic of friendship.  His underlying premise is that true friendship must be a relationship of equality.  This equality does not mean “sameness,” but it does entail that there must be an equalness in what each  individual is seeking.  For friendship to really exist, there must be an equal desire or vision and concurrently a common pursuit between these friends in fulfilling this shared aim.

Think about professional or business relationships.  When I buy a coffee at the local coffee shop, I am supporting the business and thereby assisting the workers and owner in their means of providing a living for themselves.  The business also gives me something I desire: coffee.   Am I now friends with all the coffee house workers?  No.  I do not call my relationship with the coffee shop employees friendship.   We do not have an equal vision.  I am seeking coffee while they are seeking a living; we have two distinct ends we are pursuing.  It so happens that we can each attain our individual ends through the business transactions had in a coffee house, but this does not entail actual friendship.  However, when I find out that the barista is a Red Sox fan, suddenly I encounter a shared vision, and thus, the potential for friendship.

Think of friendship as two persons walking down the same path with a common destination.  Of course, there are times we only share a temporary commute, persons whose paths will cross with ours for only a short way.  Such temporary friendships are often had between co-workers, fellow classmates, or neighbors.  We may not share much else in common with such persons besides our jobs, academic pursuits, or living arrangements, but we might still label such relationships “friendships” (at least for some time), precisely because there is a shared and equal pursuit.

However, some of us are blessed with friendships which delve deeper and will endure longer, perhaps eternally.  These are persons who share something more profound than external or environmental factors.  These are people with whom we share a common vision for how we encounter and respond to life itself.  To establish such a deeper friendship, one must encounter another who shares something more personal.  Shared religious or philosophical beliefs, sense of humor, family background, ambitions, and moral principles become the core elements to such friendships.

So can men and women be friends?  Even as a man, I will initially propose “yes,” but I think it is something rather exceptional or extraordinary.  The fundamental obstacle to male/female friendship lies in our sexual differences.  Men and women are each “wired” with different ways of thinking, reacting, and concurrent values and desires.  As such, it is often difficult, if not impossible, to establish a real shared vision.  As the above video quickly points out, men frequently choose to invest in female relationships because these have at least some romantic potential.  Women seem very often content with a man who will be less “complicated” than a woman, and therefore a preferred companion in whom they can confide, yet without any romantic interest.  Such a conflict in interests between men and women has led our culture to propose that every woman seems to want a “gay best friend.”  Such an idea implicitly states that (heterosexual) men will never be satisfied in mere friendships with women, and it shows that women sometimes simply want a man in whom they can share life, apart from the complications a sexual commitment brings.

Yet here is where our culture has ignored the fact that some visions are indeed had between men and women which are more profound, yet do not involve any sexual motive.  Certainly a brother and sister share many personal qualities in common, and yet do not have any romantic intentions (besides the occasional Luke and Leia accident).  But notice that such relationships must always be clearly understood between both parties.  When it is not a family relationship, there must exist an absolutely clear and transparent understanding concerning the nature of the relationship.  Both the man and woman must absolutely understand (i.e. it has been in some way explicitly stated) two fundamental points:

1.  There is not any romantic interest or potential in the relationship.

and

2.  There is still some common (though non-romantic) vision/pursuit which is had between both parties that can be equally shared/enjoyed.

 

Without an explicitly and unequivocally understood vision between both the man and the woman, there will inevitably arise an ambiguity which will render the friendship void or at best unstable.

Think about your friendships with the opposite sex.  How often do you find this absence of ambiguity and clarity in your shared visions?  I think it is extremely uncommon, and for this reason, I believe that men and women cannot usually be friends.  That being said, if you are blessed with genuine platonic friendships among members of the opposite sex, you have attained something incalculably valuable and worth every effort in preserving.

4 Qualities Which Invalidate Your Man-Card

What does it take to be a man?  It’s the everlasting question men (and women) have been asking.  It’s not easy to provide any succinct or precise definition for what it is that makes a man a man; but perhaps it is easier to identify and articulate what qualities should not belong to a man.  Recently, I have come across a few different men with qualities (or there lack of) which has inspired the following rant on four characteristics that should demerit one of his manhood.

 

1.  Lack of Initiative.  Nothing seems to be a bigger turn off for women than a man that has no initiative.  However, as a man, I can tell you that I am equally frustrated and put off when I work with a man who lacks ambition, initiative, or any kind of drive for excellence.  Having initiative doesn’t mean every man must be the stereotypical American workaholic who is striving to push his way up the corporate ladder.  Initiative is connected to the virtue of magnanimity, or literally, having a “large soul.”  Initiative is about finding something greater, loving it, and moving to gain it.  This greater thing could be God, country, family, and one’s own personal development.  A man shows initiative when he asks a girl out or when he cleans his room, seeks a higher degree, joins the military, strives to repair his faltering marriage, works out at the gym, takes time to pray and meditate, and spends his weekend off to be with his kids.  All of these actions show that a man is taking initiative to become something better than he is now.  When a man is simply satisfied with getting drunk every weekend, playing video games, watching porn, or cohabiting with his girlfriend, he shows that he is merely living for his own appetites and not for anything higher.  Such men are living out their existence closer to the form of a zombie rather than a man.

2. Passivity.  Passivity can be related to and at times the same as having a lack of initiative.  However, passivity is more specifically the fear of not doing something because it appears difficult.  Many men do desire to achieve excellence and to live for something greater than themselves but are too passive to actually attain what they desire.  Once I had a friend whose garbage disposal broke.  He was very frustrated by the situation, but unfortunately he wasn’t very mechanically minded.  He had no clue what to do or how to fix it.  He hung up a sign above the sink which read: “Out of order: Do not use.”  I do not have much mechanical or plumbing knowledge myself, but I decided I would try to help my friend out.  I asked my dad, a former repair-man, for some simple advice, and sure enough, it was as easy as resetting a single switch that resolved the entire problem (It took 30 seconds to fix.).  My friend had had his “Out of Order” sign up for weeks, and despite his frustrations had been too passive to fix the problem himself.  Soon after this incident, he asked me not to use his ice-maker in the freezer since he believed it was leaking when it made ice.  Instead of finding out and fixing the root problem, he decided the easiest solution would be just to not use the device.  While one can live without a garbage disposal or ice-maker, this passivity demonstrates that a man would rather run away from his problems rather than face and fight them.  The effects become much more tragic when a man is too passive to fight for his marriage, friends, job, or simply his own well-being.

3.   Passive Aggressive.  A specific form of passivity is embodied in passive-aggressive actions.  Perhaps because men generally have a harder time communicating in relationships, they will often opt for a passive-aggressive route in addressing a problem.  A man who utilizes sarcasm, gossip, or other “sneaky counter-attacks” as weapons for attacking people is a coward who is unwilling to address problems directly.  Do you have an issue with your roommate, girlfriend, boss, or co-worker?  Tell them or shut up.  A TV character that embodies this negative passive-aggressive quality is Jim Halpert from the American series of The Office.  While in general I admired Jim’s wit and persona, he is a stellar example of a man who consistently addresses his problems in a very unmanly and passive way.  Fortunately, the show did not fully glorify his passive-aggressive behavior, since they showed how Jim’s marriage almost fell apart due to his own inability to own up to his problems directly.

4.  Mama’s Boy.  When you meet a man that doesn’t know how to cook a meal, clean his room, pay his bills, or find a job, he is probably still dependent on his mom for keeping his life in order.  Sometimes these men are literally living with their mothers.  Once, in college, I allowed a guy to stay in my room who was visiting his girlfriend.  When the guy was packing up to leave at the end of his stay, he needed help—with his packing.  He said his mom had normally assisted him in packing a suitcase, and he didn’t know how to fold all his clothes and get them to fit inside his bag.  While some men are counting on their future wives to do all of the cleaning and cooking for them, I don’t know how these men will provide for these wives and teach their own children when they lack the confidence or know-how to pack a bag.  A man should be able to provide for himself before he commits to taking care of others.

Perhaps some readers are questioning why these undesirable traits are only directed at men.  Certainly, lack of ambition, passivity, passive aggressiveness, and dependency are also negative traits when found in a woman.  However, I would argue that these are particularly undesirable characteristics in a man because a man’s nature or very soul is inherently ordered towards strength, leadership, and being a protector and provider.  When a man possesses these deficiencies in character, he is failing to engage the very core of his being, and his soul becomes lifeless.  He is a man who neglects to nurture the life of his manhood, and until he chooses to face these inadequacies, he does not retain any right to the distinguished title of man.

5 Rules for the Sarcastic

I teach Junior High kids.  The more evolved kids have acquired a new-found and acute sense of sarcasm, a form of communicating that is dear to my heart.  Unfortunately, sarcasm mixed with raging hormones and immaturity doesn’t seem to be a successful blend.  In the past two weeks, I believe I should have acquired enough credit hours to earn a psychology degree with all of the counseling I have had to mediate for the many traumatized individuals.  Many of the poor “bullied” victims (recipients of sarcastic banter) are indeed too sensitive and must learn to handle and cope with those who will criticize and ostracize them later in life.  Nevertheless, I have been inspired to write a few “rules of engagement” by which every sensible and respectable human being ought to abide when it comes to communicating and utilizing humor.

1.  Never say something behind someone’s back you wouldn’t be okay saying to their face.  

Imagine if you actually followed this rule.  Depending who you are, it may sound impossible, but take a moment to imagine its potential.  The fact is that speaking poorly of someone “behind their back” is usually coupled with cowardice.  Yes, you are a coward for being angry at or insulting of someone while being unwilling to tell them your problem yourself.  If you dislike, disagree, or have a disdain for someone, either tell them or leave it be.  Telling other people is almost never the proper solution, unless those people are an unbiased third party who can offer you some counseling.

2.  Never belittle another person to hide your own weakness.

 

Congratulations!  You’ve discovered another person who is dumber, less cool, attractive or athletic than you.  Watch out.  It’s not long before you meet an animal more evolved and higher up on the food chain.  No respectable person criticizes another human being merely because they possess weakness universal to the human race.

3.  Never make light of another person’s dignity and worth.  

As un-politically correct as it is to say, men and women are different.  Hence, while all persons must be given a base level of respect, there are some issues which can pertain more to a woman’s or a man’s dignity.  Fundamentally, women desire to be beautiful and men desire to be strong.  While it would be offensive to either sex, it is much more insulting to tell a woman she is fat than it is to a man.  And again, while it might be disappointing to any man or woman, it would be much more degrading for a man to fail boot camp in the marines than for a woman.  Again, a woman’s dignity is centered around her core desire for beauty, and a man’s dignity is intertwined with his desire for strength.  When we communicate to one another, we must be careful when moving into these areas.  Most men learn early on that if they want to have a girlfriend, they better learn not to insult a woman’s image.  Similarly, women should be careful to not nag or demean a man’s abilities, since this makes him feel emasculated and worthless.

4.  Suicide is less funny than you think.  

This is lower on the list, since I don’t know many adults who make light of suicide.  Unfortunately, arrogant pre-teens and teens today seem to think it’s actually pretty funny to make light of taking one’s own life.  I have heard a few kids “joke” about how some kid should just go and commit suicide rather than x, y, or z….  I see that those who tell these jokes don’t mean for their comments to be taken literally.  However, to a depressed adolescent who is contemplating the value of living, such comments could have a devastating impact on his self-image and value.  Suicide is a serious issue with today’s disoriented youth who come from many broken homes and don’t know how to cope with the new challenges (viz. hormones) of adolescence.  The problem is that many people who are depressed don’t show their depression in public.  The kid who is constantly cracking jokes and making snide comments to his peers could be the very kid that bears an utter desolation of spirit.  Maybe his father left him when he was three and his mom is busy dating a few other guys on the side of her two other jobs and children.  That kid doesn’t have an easy life, but it is a precious life which you will regret hurting should your jokes have convinced him that taking his life might just be his best option.

5. Practice encouraging someone today.  

Sarcasm doesn’t mix well with being positive.  Sarcasm is the type of humor which assumes a facade of being positive while being in reality an injurious criticism.  This is why sarcastic people can be seen as stoic, Spock-like assholes.  And, unfortunately, this is why sarcastic people are assholes at times.  We (yep, I’m in the club) sarcastic blokes can easily become obsessed with focusing on what is negative and make cutting criticisms of those around us.  While we like to think we are just being brutally honest and unashamed in communicating how things really are, we begin to lose touch with how to genuinely build up other people and to see what is actually beautiful and positive in the world.  I do not believe in falsely affirming people, but I do believe there is always a way to authentically encourage one another.  The fact is that people do need to be affirmed, appreciated, and respected, and users of sarcasm can be terribly deficient in their ability to communicate these positive messages.  It’s amazing how much I realize my own need for positive affirmation, yet I give so littler positive reinforcement to others around me.  It takes a truly strong, courageous, and noble person to build up and edify his neighbor rather than merely disregard him with a cynical comment.

I encourage you (and myself) to begin implementing these five rules of engagement when communicating with others.  It may have the power to change our whole perspective of those persons we have previously disregarded as stupid, worthless, and lesser than ourselves.

Facebook Romantics

We all have one on our friend list; maybe you are the one. It’s undoubtedly a girl (Only once or twice have I seen a guy do this.).  It’s the Facebook Romantic friend.  These romance girls can be split into three categories:

 1.  PDA Friend.  It’s that girl who will give you a daily subscription which informs you of her ever so chivalrous boyfriend’s über-heroic and self-sacrificial deeds.  She’ll tell you about how much she loves this super special dude.

2.  Feminist Friend.  It’s the independent classy feminist lady who will let you know “hell hath no furry like a woman scorned,” whenever she is going through a break up or divorce.

And

3. Romantic Idealists.  This is the romantic young flower who is determined she will not allow her ovaries to expire before she discovers her soul mate. She will post a few sappy romance pictures which embody her ideal picture of future happiness to remind her that she is single because of her high standards for love.

These are the usual suspects.  And of course, since I’m a man, I’m likely to be labeled a misogynist and chauvinistic pig for my above descriptions.  You can at least accuse me of being insensitive. Nevertheless, we Facebookers all have at least one of these three friends who will occasionally make themselves seen in our news feeds.  Here’s what I would like to say to each of the women (and occasional men) in these categories.

1. PDA Friends: Your Public Service Announcements which tell us of your boyfriend’s amazingness are a bit demeaning.  There’s something sacred about real romantic love that is meant to be kept private, precisely because it is something so extraordinarily special.  I don’t mean to say that there isn’t a place for publicly sharing and announcing one’s love and commitment to another.  That’s why historically weddings have always been public occasions and celebrations.  So why do I accuse you of demeaning your love through these messages?  Imagine opening a love letter your boyfriend just wrote to you.  He expresses how much he loves and cares for you and how utterly special and beautiful you are.  He promises his enduring faithfulness, love and care for you.  At the bottom you read the PS: “I  also sent this letter to all of my other friends just to prove how much I meant it.”  At this moment you feel a bit embarrassed.  Such a letter was not meant for another’s eyes.  Normal people don’t ogle at couples making out nor does a sane person bug a couple’s dinner table so he can hear the intimate conversation occurring there.  One doesn’t do these creepy things because the intimacy of another couple’s shared love is meant to be kept private as a special gift to the beloved.  So ladies, why do you want to post such public notes of your “deep,” intimate, and passionate feelings for a man on a public social platform?  If you really do possess the care and passion you expressed in your Facebook status, take the time to tell your partner your feelings personally.  Do you expect your boyfriend to like and comment on your status too?  How about he sends you virtual  chocolate and flowers next Valentines since that must mean so much to you.

However, my guess is that you post these statuses because you are unsure of how to really tell him you love him personally.  Examine your motives, and please get back to me when you can honestly tell me there was no hidden desire for affirmation from the impersonal Facebook community that will applaud, affirm (and envy?) you for your blissful love life. How really wonderful is your relationship when you need to receive your old high school “friend’s” approval?

2.  Dear Feminist Friends: You are the classy feminist who needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.  Like the PDA-ers in number 1, you also like to publicly share your feelings.  However, you are the one to constantly post on how stupid and abusive men are to women.  You boldly dispose of men who don’t serve and affirm your existence as you see fit.  You were in a relationship with a man who treated you less than you deserved, and you will search for pictures and memes that represent and express how “over” you are with him.  You don’t hold a single feeling for that total failure to launch of a “man” with whom you once associated (as your husband).  Let me be clear.  I don’t approve of abusing women; I don’t approve nor have any regard of men who emotionally, sexually, or physically abuse women.

I also pity the women who have been with such pathetic pigs.  I am happy that there are women who are willing to leave such toxic relationships.

However, your incessant posts which tell us how strong and independent you are make you seem—well—anything but strong and independent.  Your posts show everyone how much mental energy you employ on a relationship that you say means nothing to you.  Your actions contradict your words.  If you are really “over” him and free, why do you give the subject so much attention?  Your posts show how hurt, bleeding, and bruised you are; they speak to how terribly injured you are from the man you had hoped would fill the void in your heart.  Unfortunately, arrogant feminist slogans don’t usually heal you, and virtual Facebook affirmation won’t plug your bleeding heart.  That’s where God’s grace is needed, and maybe some professional counseling.

3.  Dear Romantic Idealists:  Unlike the previous two groups, I have to say your offense here is not really an offense; it’s more of an annoyance.  Yeah, you like to post a lot of pretty pictures that have girls in flowing dresses running through fields, holding flowers.  These pictures always have some really quaint caption which sums up the girl’s ideal of what authentic romance means.  While your posts don’t bother me half as much as #1’s and #2’s, there does seem to be something a bit unbalanced.  Your posts speak on how a women’s dignity must be respected and that true love really does exist should you find the perfect “one” who will worship the ground on which you walk.  And while I’m sure you believe these posts accurately sum up your high standards for relationships, the underlining tone is one of desperation.  You are single.  You want love. You want the one.  But where the hell is he?  How can every man be overlooking your outstanding beauty and talent?  Well, the problem with commitment fearing men overlooking women’s true beauty really does exist frequently in today’s porno saturated world.  But will your posts inspire these men to rise up to chivalry?  Will your prince charming hear your pleas and quickly gallop to your rescue? Unlikely.  So why spend all day searching for and posting pretty pictures which idealize romance?  If you do have any men on Facebook who are interested in you, they will probably be intimidated by your lofty idealized romantic fantasies. Furthermore, they are apt to see you as a woman who is desperate for a man to give her babies and post couple “selfies,” quickly joining the PDA Friend Club.

In summary, it’d be really great if people could interact more personally in real life.  Studies are showing that men who have porn addictions end up having great struggles to maintain their real love relationships.  Similarly, I believe women and men who have to expose their intimate personal relationships on a public forum are suffering from some inability to find real satisfaction in their actual lived out experience with another human person.  Don’t let the internet become the domain for your love life.