The Art of Listening

Most people would agree that nothing is more important than family and the love and life shared between these members. Unfortunately, many (myself included) do not have an easy time relating to one’s family.  The love, joy, and bonding doesn’t always come easily or naturally.  The biggest thorn in my side is the realization that so often I just plainly suck at relating to my parents or my siblings.

Okay, so maybe you’re thinking: “What’s the big deal?  You can’t choose your family; you don’t have to like them.”  And maybe there’s some truth in that.  Nonetheless, the fact remains that we all come from a family, and it is this family that formed us into the singular persons we are.   Our parents have given us each life, love, and learning, and still at other times have neglected or misdirected us.  There is always a bittersweet tang to our familial relationships; some have had the privilege of greater sweetness, but more often today one will encounter the misfortune of a bitter brokenness in the family experience.

I begin with this thought, simply to say that I highly value the importance of family relationships.  I think that St. John Paul II had it right when he said:

 

        …[The family’s] final goal, is love: Without love the family is not a community of persons and, in the same way, without love the family cannot live, grow and perfect itself as a community of persons. What I wrote in the encyclical Redemptor Hominis applies primarily and especially within the family as such: “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.” [FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO]

 

Ugh.  It’s so damn attractive.  And true.  Family is everything.  Family is where we learn that we are good and lovable, and how to give of ourselves to others. It is a reflection of God’s own Triune nature and His total self-offering and outpouring love.

But wait.  Those are the good families.  What about those of us who have some screwed up or absent families?

Well that’s me.   Kinda.  I actually have a really great and loving family.  My parents taught me an incredible amount, raised me to be a man of faith and high principles.  They sacrificed and continue to give untold amounts to me.  Oh, and my mom and dad have stayed faithful to each other forever.  That’s incredible.  I realize that much of my discontent is simply derived from my lack of gratitude for the amazing family I have. 

So why am I still discontent?  It’s because of a magnet.  Yeah, you know those stupid refrigerator magnets whose origins remain a perennial mystery?  Well one has this quaint little quote which says: “The first rule of love is to listen.”

Cute.

But then I thought more about it, and it’s stuck in my head.  I truly believe this magnet has got it.  The first step of love is to listen, and listening is truly a lost art today.

Think about it.  Since the Enlightenment era, society has placed an enormous emphasis on freedom and equality, but today this has evolved to an extreme worship of absolute autonomy.  Man believes he is his own island, his own god, the arbiter of all truth, and fullness of wisdom.  Man today is narcissistic and full of himself.  This means that man has lost the value in listening.  And if he does not listen, man quickly loses his ability to connect and receive another person fully into his life.

Back to the family.

Recently I have realized that so much of the pain derived from my failed family relationships is had from a lack of listening.  At the risk of sounding egoistic, arrogant, and narcissistic, I will say that I feel much pain from those in my family who do not know how to listen to me.  Arguments and disputes cannot be resolved unless both parties are open in listening to the other.

Nothing shows greater respect to an individual than listening.  Listening shows that you care about the other’s thoughts, needs, and subjective experience.  Listening shows humility.

And best of all, listening is so often the preventative cure for a suffering and or dying relationship.   And this doesn’t just apply to family-this applies to every single human encounter: familial, friendship, business, or the random stranger.

But listening is not easy; it requires an enormous amount of patience.  In today’s hedonist culture, one must be extremely intentional in cultivating and restoring this dying art.  Listening requires that you deny your first impulse to defend your ego and become open to the possibility that you do not know, understand, or do everything perfectly.  Listening requires a willingness to become vulnerable, something we never enjoy.

But listening is worth it, because listening is indeed the first rule of love.  And as our recent beloved pope reminds us, “Man cannot live without love…”

How I Killed A Child’s Confidence

The mother of one of my students recently told me that her son has been going through a period of shaken confidence, or what many would call “low self-esteem.”  This is, of course, understandable.  I happen to know that Joshua has witnessed his father struggle and die from cancer only a few years ago.  I also happen to know that his mother soon re-married and had another son, Lucas.  This boy is now about 2 years old, but his father is now also gone–divorced or separated.  Josh’s mom is dating another guy now who seems to genuinely care about helping Josh and his siblings as Mom works to provide for them.  But, I get it; Josh has a lot to be upset about, a lot of things which could shake and destroy any kid’s confidence.  I don’t think one would be surprised if a such a child experienced a great deal of anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, grief, and confusion after such family trauma.

Oh, but wait…

Josh’s mom says that his shaken confidence or low self-esteem stems from…(drum-roll)…his poor grades.  And guess who gave him those grades?

Yep, yours truly.  Crap.

Well, the following is all I can say in response for the terrible crime I have committed:

Lacking confidence or self-esteem is a terrible thing. But let’s be honest–Josh’s lack of confidence does not come from his poor grades.  Let’s think about the word “confidence” for a second.  Confidence is related to a couple of Latin words: “Con” (with) and “Fide” (Faith).  Confidence, then, literally means “having faith.”

But in what do we place our faith?  People place their faith in many things, including Santa Claus, the stock market, the government, God, and most often themselves.  However, as soon as we find we have placed our faith in something that is not real, dependable, or trustworthy, our faith falters and many times collapses.  Faith can only live well and flourish when it is first rooted in reason.  This doesn’t mean that you must have indisputable proof or assurance in whatever you believe; of course, we are still talking about faith, which is believing in something not wholly seen.  But faith must always begin with reason.

I had a reason for my faith in the tooth fairy.  First, a trustworthy authority figure told me that such a being existed.  Secondly, when I followed the instructions of said authority figure and placed my lost tooth under my pillow, I awoke the next day to find a gift in place of this tooth.  I reasonably concluded that surely there must be some magical fairy that vied after children’s teeth and would pay them dearly in gum and dollar bills.  Of course, I never witnessed any such fairy, but I had faith, a faith that rested on reason. This faith was sustained almost to my last baby tooth…Until one tragic day, I actually awoke to my mother stealing my tooth and concurrently any last bit of faith I once had in magical fairies.

As soon as the foundation of reason had crumbled, the beautiful tower of faith collapsed.  And so it is with our confidence.  Our confidence must rest upon a foundation of reason, or it will inevitably shake and fall.  A real and healthy confidence in one’s self can only come from being rooted in reality.

This foundation of reason which produces confidence begins with the simple realization and assurance of knowing that I am good.  If I am loved, then I must be good (for only good things are lovable), and if I am good then I can have confidence that this goodness can produce something even greater: it can beget more goodness.  Our first view of ourselves is through the eyes of our parents. If we receive love and affirmation for our being from our parents, we start off our lives with a realization that we are loved and therefore good.  Hence, we begin our life with a healthy self-esteem.

But this foundation for confidence must continue through more than a self-awareness of our metaphysical worth.  It must carry forward to our concrete actions.  It’s what I do that molds and defines me, which builds up or detracts from my inherent good of being.  Hence, virtues, which are habits and dispositions for doing good, become the sure foundation for my confidence and self-esteem, while vices, habits and dispositions for doing evil, destroy my sense of self-worth (Although many may still retain a false sense of confidence.).

Now, let’s take these abstract principles and apply them into a concrete example.  Let’s say I’m on the varsity high school basketball team.  To get to that level, I worked hard from an early age to develop my skills in the sport.  I played on elementary and middle school teams, joined rec leagues during off seasons, and I continually played “back-yard basketball” with my dad every summer.  I developed a strong virtue or habit of good basketball practice which resulted in a good performance and in turn allowed me to join the varsity team in high school.  My confidence is souring at this point, but for a good reason.  I have worked hard, and my virtue assures me that I can and will succeed as I proceed forward.

Now, let’s say that I have a change in character.  I no longer practice for long hours.  I start to skip practices.  I begin eating unhealthily and put on weight.  Now the varsity coach is highly displeased with me and says that I am ineligible to play in the season’s games.  I’m furious and heartbroken; my confidence has been shaken and my sense of worth is shattered.

But wait…Was it the coach who took away and destroyed my confidence?  No.  My confidence had always been tied to my virtue or strong work ethic.  When I took that away, of course my confidence would collapse; upon what could it rest?  I can stomp my feet and shake my fist, cry, or file a law suit, but nothing will give me my confidence back as a basketball player expect…imagine this…being a good basketball player.  Only my virtues have the power to build up my confidence and self-esteem.

This is not to disregard the fact that people also have the power to discourage and tear down others.  A basketball coach could destroy the right confidence a good player should have when he unjustly criticizes and puts down the player.  However, in this latter example, the player’s lack of confidence would stem from a wrong understanding or failed realization of his goodness.  In the former, the player’s lack of confidence was a direct result of his lack of good virtue.

Now let’s return to Josh.  Why is Josh’s confidence faltering?  Am I to blame?  I certainly own up to the possibility that I may not have always rightly acknowledged and affirmed Josh’s goodness and potential as a person and student.  Perhaps I have missed many opportunities to build him up, to encourage him, and to guide him.  These are all parts of my job that I do not always do perfectly.  However, let’s examine why I gave him low marks.  The poor grades have come from Josh’s failing to turn in assignments on time or at all.  Assignments that are turned in, are often sloppy, incomplete, or show an evident lack of thought or care.  Hence, the poor grades reflect a poor work ethos or undeveloped virtue and discipline as a student.

If I gave Josh a break and gave him higher grades, would his self-esteem blossom?  I’m afraid it wouldn’t; at best he would forget his insecurities for a while.  His lack of confidence in school is the direct result of having no foundation in actual virtue which would produce a real sense of accomplishment and confidence.  I can’t give that to him; I can only encourage and point him in the right direction.  A shiny sticker or participation trophy doesn’t satisfy our self-esteem issues.  Only actual virtue can build actual confidence.

That being said, one must consider the family trauma this kid has been through.  Losing a father and having numerous other male figures immediately step in and out of the family picture would easily shake a sense of security in a child’s life.  How can Josh sense being loved and affirmed by his parents when his father is not present to love him?  His realization of his own self-worth may never have been appropriately developed in the first place.  Could his mom be neglecting to give him consistent attention at home, to guide him to develop a habit of hard work through accountability?  I believe these are very real possibilities and that Josh’s confidence is bound to flounder until these issues are appropriately addressed and resolved.

Poor grades and other criticisms given to us are too often scapegoated as the cause for our lack of confidence or self-esteem.  Don’t teach your kids or yourself to have a false sense of confidence.  Through knowing that we are loved and building virtue in our lives we have the power to build a solid and lasting confidence which will bring us a genuine peace and joy.  As Christ once said, it is only in the truth that we are set free.

4 Qualities Which Invalidate Your Man-Card

What does it take to be a man?  It’s the everlasting question men (and women) have been asking.  It’s not easy to provide any succinct or precise definition for what it is that makes a man a man; but perhaps it is easier to identify and articulate what qualities should not belong to a man.  Recently, I have come across a few different men with qualities (or there lack of) which has inspired the following rant on four characteristics that should demerit one of his manhood.

 

1.  Lack of Initiative.  Nothing seems to be a bigger turn off for women than a man that has no initiative.  However, as a man, I can tell you that I am equally frustrated and put off when I work with a man who lacks ambition, initiative, or any kind of drive for excellence.  Having initiative doesn’t mean every man must be the stereotypical American workaholic who is striving to push his way up the corporate ladder.  Initiative is connected to the virtue of magnanimity, or literally, having a “large soul.”  Initiative is about finding something greater, loving it, and moving to gain it.  This greater thing could be God, country, family, and one’s own personal development.  A man shows initiative when he asks a girl out or when he cleans his room, seeks a higher degree, joins the military, strives to repair his faltering marriage, works out at the gym, takes time to pray and meditate, and spends his weekend off to be with his kids.  All of these actions show that a man is taking initiative to become something better than he is now.  When a man is simply satisfied with getting drunk every weekend, playing video games, watching porn, or cohabiting with his girlfriend, he shows that he is merely living for his own appetites and not for anything higher.  Such men are living out their existence closer to the form of a zombie rather than a man.

2. Passivity.  Passivity can be related to and at times the same as having a lack of initiative.  However, passivity is more specifically the fear of not doing something because it appears difficult.  Many men do desire to achieve excellence and to live for something greater than themselves but are too passive to actually attain what they desire.  Once I had a friend whose garbage disposal broke.  He was very frustrated by the situation, but unfortunately he wasn’t very mechanically minded.  He had no clue what to do or how to fix it.  He hung up a sign above the sink which read: “Out of order: Do not use.”  I do not have much mechanical or plumbing knowledge myself, but I decided I would try to help my friend out.  I asked my dad, a former repair-man, for some simple advice, and sure enough, it was as easy as resetting a single switch that resolved the entire problem (It took 30 seconds to fix.).  My friend had had his “Out of Order” sign up for weeks, and despite his frustrations had been too passive to fix the problem himself.  Soon after this incident, he asked me not to use his ice-maker in the freezer since he believed it was leaking when it made ice.  Instead of finding out and fixing the root problem, he decided the easiest solution would be just to not use the device.  While one can live without a garbage disposal or ice-maker, this passivity demonstrates that a man would rather run away from his problems rather than face and fight them.  The effects become much more tragic when a man is too passive to fight for his marriage, friends, job, or simply his own well-being.

3.   Passive Aggressive.  A specific form of passivity is embodied in passive-aggressive actions.  Perhaps because men generally have a harder time communicating in relationships, they will often opt for a passive-aggressive route in addressing a problem.  A man who utilizes sarcasm, gossip, or other “sneaky counter-attacks” as weapons for attacking people is a coward who is unwilling to address problems directly.  Do you have an issue with your roommate, girlfriend, boss, or co-worker?  Tell them or shut up.  A TV character that embodies this negative passive-aggressive quality is Jim Halpert from the American series of The Office.  While in general I admired Jim’s wit and persona, he is a stellar example of a man who consistently addresses his problems in a very unmanly and passive way.  Fortunately, the show did not fully glorify his passive-aggressive behavior, since they showed how Jim’s marriage almost fell apart due to his own inability to own up to his problems directly.

4.  Mama’s Boy.  When you meet a man that doesn’t know how to cook a meal, clean his room, pay his bills, or find a job, he is probably still dependent on his mom for keeping his life in order.  Sometimes these men are literally living with their mothers.  Once, in college, I allowed a guy to stay in my room who was visiting his girlfriend.  When the guy was packing up to leave at the end of his stay, he needed help—with his packing.  He said his mom had normally assisted him in packing a suitcase, and he didn’t know how to fold all his clothes and get them to fit inside his bag.  While some men are counting on their future wives to do all of the cleaning and cooking for them, I don’t know how these men will provide for these wives and teach their own children when they lack the confidence or know-how to pack a bag.  A man should be able to provide for himself before he commits to taking care of others.

Perhaps some readers are questioning why these undesirable traits are only directed at men.  Certainly, lack of ambition, passivity, passive aggressiveness, and dependency are also negative traits when found in a woman.  However, I would argue that these are particularly undesirable characteristics in a man because a man’s nature or very soul is inherently ordered towards strength, leadership, and being a protector and provider.  When a man possesses these deficiencies in character, he is failing to engage the very core of his being, and his soul becomes lifeless.  He is a man who neglects to nurture the life of his manhood, and until he chooses to face these inadequacies, he does not retain any right to the distinguished title of man.