I teach Junior High kids. The more evolved kids have acquired a new-found and acute sense of sarcasm, a form of communicating that is dear to my heart. Unfortunately, sarcasm mixed with raging hormones and immaturity doesn’t seem to be a successful blend. In the past two weeks, I believe I should have acquired enough credit hours to earn a psychology degree with all of the counseling I have had to mediate for the many traumatized individuals. Many of the poor “bullied” victims (recipients of sarcastic banter) are indeed too sensitive and must learn to handle and cope with those who will criticize and ostracize them later in life. Nevertheless, I have been inspired to write a few “rules of engagement” by which every sensible and respectable human being ought to abide when it comes to communicating and utilizing humor.
1. Never say something behind someone’s back you wouldn’t be okay saying to their face.
Imagine if you actually followed this rule. Depending who you are, it may sound impossible, but take a moment to imagine its potential. The fact is that speaking poorly of someone “behind their back” is usually coupled with cowardice. Yes, you are a coward for being angry at or insulting of someone while being unwilling to tell them your problem yourself. If you dislike, disagree, or have a disdain for someone, either tell them or leave it be. Telling other people is almost never the proper solution, unless those people are an unbiased third party who can offer you some counseling.
2. Never belittle another person to hide your own weakness.
Congratulations! You’ve discovered another person who is dumber, less cool, attractive or athletic than you. Watch out. It’s not long before you meet an animal more evolved and higher up on the food chain. No respectable person criticizes another human being merely because they possess weakness universal to the human race.
3. Never make light of another person’s dignity and worth.
As un-politically correct as it is to say, men and women are different. Hence, while all persons must be given a base level of respect, there are some issues which can pertain more to a woman’s or a man’s dignity. Fundamentally, women desire to be beautiful and men desire to be strong. While it would be offensive to either sex, it is much more insulting to tell a woman she is fat than it is to a man. And again, while it might be disappointing to any man or woman, it would be much more degrading for a man to fail boot camp in the marines than for a woman. Again, a woman’s dignity is centered around her core desire for beauty, and a man’s dignity is intertwined with his desire for strength. When we communicate to one another, we must be careful when moving into these areas. Most men learn early on that if they want to have a girlfriend, they better learn not to insult a woman’s image. Similarly, women should be careful to not nag or demean a man’s abilities, since this makes him feel emasculated and worthless.
4. Suicide is less funny than you think.
This is lower on the list, since I don’t know many adults who make light of suicide. Unfortunately, arrogant pre-teens and teens today seem to think it’s actually pretty funny to make light of taking one’s own life. I have heard a few kids “joke” about how some kid should just go and commit suicide rather than x, y, or z…. I see that those who tell these jokes don’t mean for their comments to be taken literally. However, to a depressed adolescent who is contemplating the value of living, such comments could have a devastating impact on his self-image and value. Suicide is a serious issue with today’s disoriented youth who come from many broken homes and don’t know how to cope with the new challenges (viz. hormones) of adolescence. The problem is that many people who are depressed don’t show their depression in public. The kid who is constantly cracking jokes and making snide comments to his peers could be the very kid that bears an utter desolation of spirit. Maybe his father left him when he was three and his mom is busy dating a few other guys on the side of her two other jobs and children. That kid doesn’t have an easy life, but it is a precious life which you will regret hurting should your jokes have convinced him that taking his life might just be his best option.
5. Practice encouraging someone today.
Sarcasm doesn’t mix well with being positive. Sarcasm is the type of humor which assumes a facade of being positive while being in reality an injurious criticism. This is why sarcastic people can be seen as stoic, Spock-like assholes. And, unfortunately, this is why sarcastic people are assholes at times. We (yep, I’m in the club) sarcastic blokes can easily become obsessed with focusing on what is negative and make cutting criticisms of those around us. While we like to think we are just being brutally honest and unashamed in communicating how things really are, we begin to lose touch with how to genuinely build up other people and to see what is actually beautiful and positive in the world. I do not believe in falsely affirming people, but I do believe there is always a way to authentically encourage one another. The fact is that people do need to be affirmed, appreciated, and respected, and users of sarcasm can be terribly deficient in their ability to communicate these positive messages. It’s amazing how much I realize my own need for positive affirmation, yet I give so littler positive reinforcement to others around me. It takes a truly strong, courageous, and noble person to build up and edify his neighbor rather than merely disregard him with a cynical comment.
I encourage you (and myself) to begin implementing these five rules of engagement when communicating with others. It may have the power to change our whole perspective of those persons we have previously disregarded as stupid, worthless, and lesser than ourselves.
Splinter in My Brother's Eye 
I sort of agree with most of what’s being said here, but I VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE with the idea that the dignity of women is based in beauty, while the dignity of men is based in strength. Besides the implication that dignity is not *inherent*, you have simply the practical matter of: what about ugly women or paralyzed men. Let’s start with the ugly woman. Not only is she physically unattractive, but she’s a pathological liar, has no problems being filthy, and is all sorts of addicted. There’s nothing “beautiful” about her life internally or externally. Does she have no dignity? Absolutely not – she has just as much dignity as the most beautiful and most saintly woman. That is because her dignity is not rooted in her beauty, her dignity is rooted in her existence. She exists because God, in his infinite wisdom created her in His image and likeness. We may not see evidence of Him, because of the choices she’s made, but that doesn’t lessen her dignity. Just as a man who has no physical strength is not worth less than a man who can throw tractor tire fifty yards.
I wonder if you mean that a man’s self esteem is more closely linked to being strong than a woman’s is (and that a woman’s self esteem is more closely linked to being thought of as beautiful rather than strong), but even that seems not quite right. I know plenty of guys who are way more concerned with what their mirror shows them than how much brawn they are gaining. I, personally, am much more offended when someone, especially a guy, thinks that I either can’t or shouldn’t do something because I’m female. (No joke, a co-worker once literally told me that I shouldn’t move a case of soda because it would mess up my uterus. WHAT?!?) Not only is that ignorant and scientifically off base, it’s insulting. Not to mention a little creepy…
Back on topic, if a person’s dignity is based on something that is perceptible, quantifiable, and somewhat subjective, why wouldn’t it be ok to say that a paralyzed man, or a child that is born with a defect which causes muscular atrophy shouldn’t be cared for? How far is saying something like that from what Hitler did? And while I’m not saying that you are necessarily agreeing with Hitler, I will say that basing a person’s dignity on something external, fleeting, and changeable, is a slippery slope that will eventually get to that point, if one is not careful.
A person’s dignity is based on the fact that he is created in the image of God and is therefore loved by God. Nothing more. And most certainly nothing less than that.
Dear Dissenting Voice,
Thank you for your challenging criticisms. First, the principal point of this article was to encourage a healthy respect for all persons, but I also wished to specifically address how men should respect women and vice versa. I only very briefly hit upon the anthropological premise you address, so perhaps some further clarification would be helpful.
First, let me quote my own writing: “…while all persons must be given a base level of respect, there are some issues which can pertain more to a woman’s or a man’s dignity.” I acknowledge that all persons must be respected equally in that they are created in the image and likeness of God. All persons share an equal metaphysical dignity inherent in their natures as persons. As such, all persons, no matter what deformities or deficiencies they may possess, merit our love and care. With this in mind, I hope you can see how I’m not promoting an ethics which disregards any member of the human species, whether they be paralyzed, ugly, or smelly (or German or Jewish).
However, while I believe that all persons share an equal metaphysical dignity, God has made man and woman different from one another. These differences are often mysterious, but nevertheless they are evident. The differences delve deeper than anatomical contrasts.
I argue that a man’s (masculine) nature is rooted in a desire for strength. From the beginning, God creates Adam to guard and protect the Garden of Eden, as well as to provide for his wife, Eve. On the other hand, Eve is created beside Adam as his companion. Her role is similar yet distinct from his. Like Adam, she is a special guardian of life, yet she is endowed with the particular gift of motherhood, the capacity to nurture life within her very being. Adam’s strength finds a proper channel or purpose when he encounters Eve: the protection of life and beauty (as all life is beautiful). Adam’s first words in seeing Eve are ones of awe and admiration: “This, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…” (Gen. 2:23b) He is captured and enraptured by her beauty. And before the original sin of man, there was no lust or shame in man’s being. He looked upon Eve’s beauty as God intended, without sexually objectifying her. Adam simply wonders at her beauty and desires to serve her in a proper complementary relationship. Woman is a reminder to man of life as something beautiful and worthy of defense. Since woman has been created with a unique innate beauty, I argue that God has instilled in the very nature of woman an inherent desire for this beauty to become fully realized and recognized.
Now back to dignity. Notice that I never say that man’s dignity IS his strength or that a woman’s dignity IS her beauty. Instead I am arguing that both man and woman each have particular desires rooted in their respective masculine and feminine natures. While I inevitably oversimplify these sexual particularities, I believe there is some truth in what I have stated. Man was created to guard and protect life, and as such, he has a innate desire for strength. Woman is created as the special companion for man, a “helper,” who, while being equal to man, becomes a graceful reminder of the beauty of life. As such, women desire to be beautiful and want men to recognize and respect their beauty.
This does not mean the man who is a body builder or the woman who is a beauty queen possess greater dignity than the physically paralyzed man or deformed woman (But perhaps the dignity of a body builder and a beauty queen is recognized easier than in those who are not endowed with these gifts.). These accidental features do not determine any value or worth for persons. But man’s dignity is still connected to a desire for strength. When a man is passive or uses his strength for evil, he is contradicting his nature, and consequently, he disregards the dignity of his being. He sins against his own nature. In the case of the paralyzed man, he has not committed any moral evil against his nature, but nevertheless, the handicap becomes a heavy cross for him to bear, since it becomes an impediment to achieving the strength he desires. Similarly, a father and husband who is unable to find employment and provide for his family, finds this hardship to be a particular injury to the “dignity” of his masculinity. This burden does not diminish his value or worth as a person, but it injures and obscures his own sense of dignity, since his very nature is centered in serving and protecting his family. As you suggested, I am connecting this more to what most would call “self-esteem.” But isn’t self-esteem simply an awareness and appreciation of one’s own dignity?
This is where I must disagree with one point you made. You gave an example of a woman who is ugly both in appearance and in character. You conclude: “…she has just as much dignity as the most beautiful and most saintly woman. That is because her dignity is not rooted in her beauty, her dignity is rooted in her existence.”
I have already expounded on how I agree that a person’s dignity begins fundamentally by their very existence. However, I would have to disagree with your implicit conclusion that a woman’s character or actions have no consequence to her dignity. A man and woman’s dignity is fully realized in following their natures to know, love, and serve God, each in their particular ways. While sin does not take away our metaphysical dignity, it does weaken and destroy our natures. In the Scriptures, Mary respects and realizes her dignity in her “fiat,” while Eve diminishes her dignity in her disobedience to God. Mary becomes what God intended for her to be, while Eve contradicts God’s plan and purpose for her. I would argue that Mary’s dignity is greater than Eve’s in this respect, since Mary has followed her purpose as God intended, while Eve has contradicted God’s intention for her.
I will finish here since my response is longer than I intended, yet says less than I would like. Let me just say that I think the word “dignity” is often too vague and ambiguous in its meaning. I understand dignity to be connected both to our inherent metaphysical worth yet also in following our natures as God has intended. Furthermore, I see that men and women, while equal, each possess particular natural desires. When men or women act against their natures, they are sinning against the very dignity rooted in their being. When there are amoral or accidental deformities or deficiencies present in their natures (i.e. weakness, ugliness), their dignity may be outwardly obscured, but it is still fully present within them since they are following their natures as God has intended.