What does it take to be a man? It’s the everlasting question men (and women) have been asking. It’s not easy to provide any succinct or precise definition for what it is that makes a man a man; but perhaps it is easier to identify and articulate what qualities should not belong to a man. Recently, I have come across a few different men with qualities (or there lack of) which has inspired the following rant on four characteristics that should demerit one of his manhood.
1. Lack of Initiative. Nothing seems to be a bigger turn off for women than a man that has no initiative. However, as a man, I can tell you that I am equally frustrated and put off when I work with a man who lacks ambition, initiative, or any kind of drive for excellence. Having initiative doesn’t mean every man must be the stereotypical American workaholic who is striving to push his way up the corporate ladder. Initiative is connected to the virtue of magnanimity, or literally, having a “large soul.” Initiative is about finding something greater, loving it, and moving to gain it. This greater thing could be God, country, family, and one’s own personal development. A man shows initiative when he asks a girl out or when he cleans his room, seeks a higher degree, joins the military, strives to repair his faltering marriage, works out at the gym, takes time to pray and meditate, and spends his weekend off to be with his kids. All of these actions show that a man is taking initiative to become something better than he is now. When a man is simply satisfied with getting drunk every weekend, playing video games, watching porn, or cohabiting with his girlfriend, he shows that he is merely living for his own appetites and not for anything higher. Such men are living out their existence closer to the form of a zombie rather than a man.
2. Passivity. Passivity can be related to and at times the same as having a lack of initiative. However, passivity is more specifically the fear of not doing something because it appears difficult. Many men do desire to achieve excellence and to live for something greater than themselves but are too passive to actually attain what they desire. Once I had a friend whose garbage disposal broke. He was very frustrated by the situation, but unfortunately he wasn’t very mechanically minded. He had no clue what to do or how to fix it. He hung up a sign above the sink which read: “Out of order: Do not use.” I do not have much mechanical or plumbing knowledge myself, but I decided I would try to help my friend out. I asked my dad, a former repair-man, for some simple advice, and sure enough, it was as easy as resetting a single switch that resolved the entire problem (It took 30 seconds to fix.). My friend had had his “Out of Order” sign up for weeks, and despite his frustrations had been too passive to fix the problem himself. Soon after this incident, he asked me not to use his ice-maker in the freezer since he believed it was leaking when it made ice. Instead of finding out and fixing the root problem, he decided the easiest solution would be just to not use the device. While one can live without a garbage disposal or ice-maker, this passivity demonstrates that a man would rather run away from his problems rather than face and fight them. The effects become much more tragic when a man is too passive to fight for his marriage, friends, job, or simply his own well-being.
3. Passive Aggressive. A specific form of passivity is embodied in passive-aggressive actions. Perhaps because men generally have a harder time communicating in relationships, they will often opt for a passive-aggressive route in addressing a problem. A man who utilizes sarcasm, gossip, or other “sneaky counter-attacks” as weapons for attacking people is a coward who is unwilling to address problems directly. Do you have an issue with your roommate, girlfriend, boss, or co-worker? Tell them or shut up. A TV character that embodies this negative passive-aggressive quality is Jim Halpert from the American series of The Office. While in general I admired Jim’s wit and persona, he is a stellar example of a man who consistently addresses his problems in a very unmanly and passive way. Fortunately, the show did not fully glorify his passive-aggressive behavior, since they showed how Jim’s marriage almost fell apart due to his own inability to own up to his problems directly.
4. Mama’s Boy. When you meet a man that doesn’t know how to cook a meal, clean his room, pay his bills, or find a job, he is probably still dependent on his mom for keeping his life in order. Sometimes these men are literally living with their mothers. Once, in college, I allowed a guy to stay in my room who was visiting his girlfriend. When the guy was packing up to leave at the end of his stay, he needed help—with his packing. He said his mom had normally assisted him in packing a suitcase, and he didn’t know how to fold all his clothes and get them to fit inside his bag. While some men are counting on their future wives to do all of the cleaning and cooking for them, I don’t know how these men will provide for these wives and teach their own children when they lack the confidence or know-how to pack a bag. A man should be able to provide for himself before he commits to taking care of others.
Perhaps some readers are questioning why these undesirable traits are only directed at men. Certainly, lack of ambition, passivity, passive aggressiveness, and dependency are also negative traits when found in a woman. However, I would argue that these are particularly undesirable characteristics in a man because a man’s nature or very soul is inherently ordered towards strength, leadership, and being a protector and provider. When a man possesses these deficiencies in character, he is failing to engage the very core of his being, and his soul becomes lifeless. He is a man who neglects to nurture the life of his manhood, and until he chooses to face these inadequacies, he does not retain any right to the distinguished title of man.
Splinter in My Brother's Eye 